Starry-Eyed and Heartbroken

I fell in love with this great guy. He was perfect in my eyes. We were a prom hookup last year. I didn't have a date, and his date had ditched him, so our mutual friends made us dance together. We began dating the Monday after prom. He had the prettiest blue eyes, I could stare into them all day if I was given the choice. He wasn't like all the other guys that I usually crushed on. He actually had manners. Have you ever met a 17-year-old guy who had manners? Most of them just want to get you into the backseat of their car. We were so cute. Neither of us knew what to do. I was his first and he was my first. Of course there was a little confusion at first. I didn't get to see him very much. I saw him before school, between certain classes, and right after school when the bell rang. I never saw him after 5:00 pm or on weekends. I was perfectly contented with that. I trusted him. I knew that he wouldn't go around with other girls, because he wasn't like that. His parents didn't know that he was dating me because he was afraid that they would give him a hard time. I tried to convince him to tell them, but he was set on not telling them. I didn't get to see him on the weekends because he wanted to spend time with his family and spend time doing his homework. His school work came before anything. He was always under pressure to get good grades. We had so much in common. He also had some things in common with my dad, which scared him a little. We dated for a month and a half. That was the best month and a half I'd had in my entire life. I've gone through so much in my life, that it was great to finally be happy with my life. When we held hands, I felt like I was actually important to someone. I felt like nothing in the world could mess this up. During our relationship, we were apart for one week. He went on the senior trip to Washington, D.C. I had to come to school and do everything by myself. That was the worst week of my entire life. To make matters worse, my sister was put in the hospital for emergency gall bladder surgery. The doctors said that she had gall stones all the way into her pancreas. By the next Monday, my sister was still in the hospital, but she had already made it through her surgery, and my boyfriend came back home. I was head over heels for him, and we had only been together for a couple of weeks. I seriously felt like we were meant to be together, even though we were only 17 and we had the rest of our lives to figure stuff like that out. He was about to graduate, which scared me because I didn't know what was going to happen between us. Would we stay together and try to make the distance work or would it not last?

Things were going great between us. But, the week before his graduation, he broke up with me. It was totally unexpected because things were going so great between us. He said that his grades dropped in one of his classes, and that he would sit in class and think about me and about us. It sucked when he broke up with me. I never stopped crying about it. It hurt so much because I loved being with him. Even though I never moved on, it seems like he already has. That hurts a lot. After his graduation, he didn't talk to me at all. He ignored every message that I sent to him on Myspace. Eventually, he deleted me from his friends list and blocked me. I'll never forget the day he deleted me from his friends list. One morning at Upward Bound, I was working on my webpage. I logged onto my Myspace account, and he wasn't there. He was my number one. I remember thinking that maybe it was a mistake. So, I logged off and logged back on several times. After I realized that he had deleted me, I started crying right there in my webpage class. I felt like no one gave a crap. The only time during the summer that I saw him was at a viewing. His cousin had passed away. I saw him, so I went over to see if he was okay. He wouldn't say word one to me. His friends were laughing at me because I even attempted to talk to him, which made me feel like he had been saying mean things about me. My mom said that she saw him in Food City a couple times, so I started going to Food City everyday to see if I could catch him in there. I never did run into him at Food City that summer.

Two months had passed, and it was time for me to start school again. I had a hard time because I had to walk down the halls and see every place that we ever stood at and held hands and talked. It hurt a lot because I had to go back to the school, he didn't. He got to start a whole new life at college. He was all that I could think about. This time, my grades suffered. I had to drop Math Analysis because my head was so full of thoughts that I couldn't grasp the concept of what the teacher was talking about; not to mention that the teacher was a bitch to me anyways. I asked her for help with one thing, and she acts snooty. Anyways, one month into the school year and three months after my boyfriend and I had broken up, I was in the guidance counselor's office. That's where I took my online class. I also had a friend in there that was the office help. I asked her if she had talked to "Bob" (that's not his real name, by the way) anytime over the summer. I wanted to know if he had said anything about me. She said that she had, but it was about classes. So I started talking to her about what had gone on between "Bob" and me. That night, she sent him a message on Myspace telling him about what I had said. He sent me a message apologizing for his actions, saying things like that he was an idiot for doing what he did, he felt horrible for ignoring me, and that when found the little "scrapbooks" that I made for him, he almost broke down and cried. He wanted me to forgive him, and that if I didn't that he would understand because he didn't deserve it after what he had put me through. Of course I forgave him. I still wanted to be with him. I replied to message, telling him that I wanted to be with him really bad. He messaged me back and said that he didn't want to be in a situation where there was this much distance between us. I understood that, even though I was upset at first. I saw him at a football game. I thought that there was maybe some feelings left between us, but his friend blew that out of the water. She started saying stuff about me, telling my sisters that she was going to tell me that she was his new girlfriend. She also told my sisters that he told her to come and get him after I sat down with him. I don't know if that true or not. He said that it wasn't. After she had treated me so badly that night, she tried to say goodbye to me. I yelled at her, right in front of some of his family members. I felt like an ass. He got upset with me, which made me feel like he was sticking up for her when I was the one that she was torturing. I think that maybe he was upset because I yelled at her in front of his family; which, even I felt bad about that. We've been talking for a couple months. I was hoping that maybe there was still some feelings between us, but I don't think that there is anymore. I send him emails, and he chooses which ones he wants to reply to. I tried to get him to take me to my senior prom, but he wouldn't, which broke my heart. I had a miserable time there, by the way.

I still want to be with him so bad, though. I miss him so much. There's not a day that goes that I don't think about him. When I hear a love song, I start to cry. Ever since we broke up, I've cried every day. Even at prom, when they played slow songs, I started to cry because it made me think of all the songs that we danced to at last year's prom. I have those songs on my iPod. I really, really thought that we were meant to be. I guess he doesn't think so.